Amusing Recollections 2

Years ago I wrote Amusing Recollections, here are seven more, I’ve called them Amusing Recollections 2. I’ll post again if I remember other chuckle worthy stories.

When I was a fourth year medical student, I arrived on the oncology ward one morning and was immediately summoned by a smiling elderly fellow. I found his short story chuckle worthy. Pointing at his penis he said, “Doc, when I woke up this morning I had a grand tumescence.” I asked him whether he often had morning erections? He replied, “I haven’t had any kind of erection in the last couple of years. Do you want to know what I did?” Before I could answer, he revealed that he summoned a delightful, young nurse. I asked, “And… what did she do?” With a theatrically sad face he said, She suggested, “it was a good time for me to wash it.”

One morning, way back when I was in the CAF, stationed at CFS Holberg, we had an emergency drill. All medical personnel headed to our hospital. When one of our senior medical assistants arrived he said, “Quite a morning sir, the air raid siren, my alarm clock, my wife and I, all went off at the same time.”

A mother brought her daughter to my office to discuss contraception. As part of our conversation I told an old joke. “The mother asked, did you see the contraceptive on the veranda?” to which the teenager replied, “What’s a veranda.” Here’s the funny bit. Later that same day my patients mom called to let me know that on their drive home her daughter questioned, “Mum, what is a veranda?”

An OR nurse, in for her physical, was laughing hysterically when when I entered my exam room. Her laughter was caused by a very short disposable gown that barely covered her upper chest and nipples. We apparently ordered the wrong gowns and she got the first one in the box. The nurse teased, “My goodness Frank, who would have guessed, I guess it’s always the quiet ones.”

Another nurse, on another day, was in for her pap smear. I had laryngitis. My voice sounded nothing like me. When I sat in front of her bottom and began to say the things I almost always said. Her knees abruptly closed and she said, “We’ll do this another day.” When she returned, about a month later, she explained, “Don’t worry Frank, it wasn’t anything you did. There was something about your voice that led to a naughty movie playing in my head.”

Sometimes a joke plays out in real life. One of the first things many people do after an anaesthetic is to poke around near their incision. One of my patients had just had a hemorroidectomy. He didn’t know his testicles were taped to his lower abdomen to keep them out of the way. He panicked when it appeared they were missing. I was walking through the recovery room when I heard a nurse say, “Don’t worry, they’re in the cup beside your bed.” She apparently thought he was looking for his dentures.

Most people are coordinated, others, not so much. An elderly patient fractured her ankle. She was clumsy with crutches and refused a walker. I worried that she might fall. I was relieved when her ankle healed and I was able to remove her cast. Unfortunately, that same night she fell and fractured her hip. Fortunately, she had fallen near her phone. Her choice of what to do next was mystifying. She pulled the phone cord out of the wall socket and threw her phone at a nearby window, hoping her neighbours would hear glass breaking. The glass didn’t break and she spent a long night on the floor. She was found the next morning by her son. He accompanied her to the ER. When her son heard her story, he said, “Mom please don’t ever tell that story again.” In spite of her son’s request, her story became her calling card, she often regaled others with the funniest thing she had ever done.

The original Amusing Recollections can be found here.